he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
