So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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