I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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