I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
