I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm always down for nudity.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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