Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
