I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
