I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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