My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
