from now on my penis is your penis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
