I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
