I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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