I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
