yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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