i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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