i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
