Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
