Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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