apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
