Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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