you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
