I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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