i permit you to call me
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
