I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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