good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
