Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
