I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
