i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm always down for nudity.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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