I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
