I am spending my child support on dildos
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
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