Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
