Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
