Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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