Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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