I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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