Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
