dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
