There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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