I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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