My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dear god my vagina.
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