he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
