Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
