you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
you never un-have a 4some
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
