i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
