everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
high people should be assigned attendants
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
