I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
