Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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