Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
