It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
