a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
