you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
