Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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