Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
